An Apology To My Oral Hygienist

Do you feel guilty during your first meal after going to the hygienist? I do. It’s like driving through a puddle after going to the car wash. I was at Turnip Truck yesterday right after a cleaning, thinking next time I see her, I should make an apology. Not for eating or lying about the flossing, but my behavior in general. I’m really not nice on dental day. Let me practice, say it aloud. I saw a TED talk about this, stretching and having a script.

I am sorry, Amanda. Amanda, right? After four years, I oughtta know. I’ve been so boorish. I know I have. I’m sorry I always give grunty, monosyllabic answers to your polite and chipper questions like, “Have you had any major health changes?” Even if they are silly. If I’d had major health changes, I would’t be here getting my teeth cleaned, I’d be getting open heart surgery or sections of my colon removed. I kid. You are nice, and I appreciate what you do all day, which can’t be fun. I bet my mouth is a spring fountain compared to some of the others. Wait’ll you see the guy from Gallatin out in the lobby.

I also appreciate you not using the jet stream tool under my gums since that time I levitated off the chair six inches and knocked $10,000 worth of specialized dental equipment to the floor and crouched in the corner snarling like an attacked baboon. Lizard brain again. I’m seeing a psychologist and going to yoga, so it’s getting better. Ask my girlfriend.

And, I hate to keep fixating on this, Katherine, but can I ask you one more teensy something, since I’m trying to make amends? Thanks. Why do you ask me anything while your hands are way up in there? Is it a secret hygienist thing? I bet you guys have a Facebook group or a happy hour where everyone shares humorous hygienist horror stories over martinis and bushwackers. See how I’m trying to be helpful? Hygienist Humor & Horror is a great name, Brittany.  I normally charge five grand for a naming exercise, extra for alliteration. You can have it gratis. Oh, and be sure to use video, it’ll send your views and likes through the roof. Thought starter: put a camera on that blinding light and no one will ever notice, since our eyes are clamped shut.

Pranking? Awesome. You should definitely do that. Equipment malfunctions could be f’n hilarious. Show them on Fridays. You guys are closed, so it’ll keep your social presence up. You could make the vacuum thingy blow in someone’s mouth, or put big fake blood stains on the bib and exclaim, “Ruh-roh!” Put on a horse head mask right before saying, “All done.” After a couple of Thursday night cocktails, I bet you guys come up with a ton of them. Wait! Stream them Mondays on Meerkat. Get it? Have doc loosen up and play, too. It can be a whole new source of client leads. Healthcare is changing.

Oh, and Sara, one last thing? I really do appreciate you. Can we wait to bill this? My dental lapsed but I’m hoping it’ll be retroactive when it comes back online. That’s a lovely frock. Can I get a toothbrush?

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